Abandon Me by Melissa Febos

Author:Melissa Febos
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781632866592
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2017-01-10T00:00:00+00:00

7

A month after our first kiss, she bought me a ticket to Santa Fe. I flew to her a few days after my thirty-second birthday. On that plane, I shook. I had dismantled my life, and was flying across the country to meet a stranger. What would I feel when I saw her? Would I feel nothing? Would I turn around and get back on a plane? Would I suffer through the incredible awkwardness of that misplaced bet?

The color scheme of Albuquerque “Sunport” is desert: turquoise, pink, sand beige. Walking through it, I felt weightless as a sun-bleached bone, a thing lost to the structure that defines it.

I saw her first, slouched in cutoff jeans and T-shirt, body a curved S, hair hung over her shoulders as she stared at her phone. I saw in her the vulnerability of not knowing she was being watched. She looked up and her smile was nervous and real, and in it I saw what she’d looked like as a child. In the parking lot she set down my suitcase and took my face into her hands, her soft mouth landing me back into being.

We kissed on the hot leather seats of her rental car, mouths tentative at first, hands drifting up to each others’ faces, then hungrier. On the drive back to the hotel I was so wet that I feared it would show through my dress so I leaned on one hip in the passenger seat.

So much of our story is corporeal. I knew about somatic response, how the body takes what the psyche cannot bear and understands it as fever, as sweat and cramp, as cry, as come. But those were concepts. I had never lost my mind in this way, abandoned understanding to the body.

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